Sexy is a state of mind.
It's not what you wear or how you look,
it's how you walk and how you talk
 - how you feel, how you make other people feel.

the spaces in-between

honestly sometimes I wonder-
who the fuck are these people?
and who the fuck am I?

These people that pass by, a slight brush of the hand and then forgotten,
erased from the arid mind like shifting sands..

I try to put myself together with pieces of other people,
jigsaw their lives to make mine whole... but there's so many gaps

and the spaces in between never get cleaned
dust collects in the grooves of my brain
as memories that'll never erase

the thought of my thought puts pressure on me
perspective weakens the direction
and they tell me it's all perception but what happen's when your eyes aren't so great?
20/20 vision is only in hindsight, you only can predict or admit once things pass by,
submit? I'll never do that..
As long as there's inclusion of you in this delusion, I'm fine with this imitative ruse of life..

who are you?
and who is me?
there's nothing left but the questions of what could become of me..
because us never happened and you don't seem to care for it much.
Is it because you have so much that I can't touch your life now?

do they ever think of me? our childhoods together, but now I'm just a picture in a book, a word on a page.. I want to change their lives.. but when, at what age?



I could be you if I wanted to,
bare it all, spread wide open, loved, double-clicked
but I'm not or I don't-- the question of worth comes to play and it makes me wonder,
feelings shaken, foundation uncertain in the face of, or the rear of, what they say is desired..
My mind is a flame, but it's my body under-fire  - increasingly, it's all about what they want to see.
What the eyes don't perceive cannot be.

the heart is a traitor to the rest of the self

a lemon slice moon on the rim
of a glass half full of salt tears
that slosh against the craggy contours of a hardened face..

a smoky-sweet kiss from burnt lips

held by paint-spattered fingertips.

and rainbow eyes that drip over a hooked chin to paint his shirt with

hare krishna's and stuttered Shivas.

i stood close to you because i wanted to feel you,
feel what you would feel like.

the herder wears sheep's wool under his hat,
                            God in a prophet's clothing
                                                                  -preaching against preachers, teaching against teachers..

i wanted to touch you,
touch you touching me.

to see if my hands would pass through you like ideas in my brain,

to see if i could grab you
                                       or if you'd run away like my train of thought when i stand near you.

i don't love you, but i'd love to love you,

to see who you are when you're Naked to the world,

i think that's who you are.
who anybody is.

the real self as a Giver or Taker,

Enthusiastic or Reluctant in feeling free.

It's strange to hear

The stunted words,
the hesitant phrasing.

the peaks of a glacier
that melt into a pool of icy regret.


It seeps into the soles of your feet,
sticky soles, rooting you into viscous debates, (or conversation?)

What is it anymore?
Why is it anything?

I wish you would stop talking.

thistle

wind among the trees.

Or is it trees among the wind?

The branches that dance and sing, once, twice, then

interim.

My mind yearns for long-lost places, 

my eyes full of long-lost faces that shimmer, 

spangled and mangled with sorrow,

with salt,

with butterflies' fins - cleaving and flashing in the air, silver & red in despair..

but if you look closely there,

the holes left like sunshine puddled in midair - what will you find when you look inside?

Who will you find?

When you look inside, who do you find?

love #1

what does it mean to be half of a whole

one of two, or two for one?

peanut butter and jelly love

me as me, you as you

life is so delicious together.

ching

WAITING is not mere empty hoping. It has the inner certainty of reaching the goal. Such certainty alone gives that light which leads to success. This leads to the perseverance that brings good fortune and bestows power to cross the great water. One is faced with a danger that has to be overcome. Weakness and impatience can do nothing. Only a strong man can stand up to his fate, for his inner security enables him to endure to the end. This strength shows itself in uncompromising truthfulness [with himself]. It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any sort of self- deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognised. This recognition must be followed by resolute and persevering action. For only the man who goes to meet his fate resolutely is equipped to deal with it adequately. Then he will be able to cross the great water - that is to say, he will be capable of making the necessary decision and of surmounting the danger. 

love is blind

I find my solitude with you.
And together, grow a life so wild, so tangled
that we cannot see before us.

But I am not afraid.
You are my side, my back, guiding me,
we, like blind men, groping through an interminable darkness
to a light that only we can see.

"The third treasure, daring not be at the world's front, is the Taoist way to avoid premature death. To be at the world's front is to expose oneself, to render oneself vulnerable to the world's destructive forces, while to remain behind and to be humble is to allow oneself time to fully ripen and bear fruit. This is a treasure whose secret spring is the fear of losing one's life before one's time. This fear of death, out of a love for life, is indeed the key to Taoist wisdom. (1989:209)"

elegance

to die, to be dead, to live on with those words unsaid, to pass on-
there is nothing more painful than holding on
to roses that climb your soul with their prickly thorns
that teethe you to believe love will sting,
but bees flit on while the birds sing of a love that you will never know

In beauty you find your loss
is only in the thought of gain,

you leave the sun in a passing cloud,
your wedding veil: a burial shroud.

and so it goes on..

Another song will lift us when this one is gone,
for flight is a prolonging of what will come,


fall slow.

to be free

and yet so resolutely chained. My mind wanders on, hindered, yet un-maimed by the advances - the stances, the dances of the future, technologically methodical.

Why is it rhyme and reason - a playful treason of logic, an efficiency project of derelict intellect suffering in knowledge


My mind is a gibbering buffoon - a saloon of the unseemly latrine of a tomb. And we shall drink to death! And to death, we drink and sink beneath crimson waves of peaceful, tortured, wasted unrest.

I sit still, and yet, in my chest is a squirming worm, a writhing mass of emotion that struggles in it's silent devotion.
discipline is meant for the king... yet it wrings us - we are the quiet sins. 

what is it.

what are the choices we make? the factors that differentiate us from one and another..
What are the airs we put on that leave us floating so far from the ground.. the reality

What does it mean when you want to do something because you enjoy but you can't seem to find the way
Find the way to do it the way you want

I suppose in doing what you want, you're getting what you want, so other factors are irrelevant

but to find the right people?

Laziness. Rebellion. Procrastination. Force of Will and Force of Won't.

There is something.. something other than Fear that I am fighting against. Procrastination: the putting off until later, is generally fear-driven, fear-based. Fight or Flight.


But there is something.. something else other than this that bars me from approaching. The feeling of overwhelm, the churn in your stomach as you approach a mountain of work, the dread you feel before an insurmountable list of duties: laziness?

But perhaps this is not all.. The mental drive that cheerfully eggs you on.. and the sullen, twisted sheer stubbornness of innate rebellion.. A natural perversion of Will. Rebellion. Difference and opposition for the satisfaction in itself of "proving another wrong." And so it is important what we believe in people. We either make, or mold them. Make, as in, fence in their opportunities, Mold as in outline their competition.

Life moves on... and on and on and on.
That's what they never tell you. The story after the "happily ever" and the time before the "Once upon".

They say the most important thing in life is: to do. To keep moving forward. Everyone is running, running on their little hamster wheels, and I've spent all this time sitting in the field and looking at the stars. Up and at 'em, girl.

And fine, I say, so I start strolling.. strolling along and walking and I'm enjoying the walk, it's great when suddenly I wonder... where am I going???

 And it starts to really freak me out. Freak me out to the point where I'm really not paying attention to where I'm walking anymore. And then I'm stumbling, I'm falling, I'm stopping - and then I'm not moving anymore.
The future keeps taking precedent over the near future.

what is love?
trust? unconditionality? devotion?
a giving of yourself to someone else..
giving away..

People are only ever trying to find balance in their unstable lives.

Those that are controlled, seek to control.
Those that are afraid, look to be feared.
Those that are ignored, try for infamy.
Those with none, want more, those with more want less - to seek balance.

We all want to middle out, it seems.

i will never work on sundays

because I vow that I will never let my work life integrally interfere in my personal life.

I'm sure my dog thinks I'm crazy, rushing around and talking to inanimate objects, leaving home and him for hours at a time and all I can think is that.. "I don't want to do this... but I must."

John Steinbeck was a catalyst in my life though I swore to love, and also to hate, his writing. Welcome back to my life.

You're basically alone, waiting on one thing - one word, one comment, one person. and you start to wonder... why am I doing this? Does it matter? Life moves on, doesn't it?

But you're waiting. You don't know why, but you are. Doesn't that mean something?

All I am is a man: I want the world in my hand.

the saddest part is I think you're going to go through with this..
"but when i lay with you and close my eyes.. my fingers touch the sky.."

still lives.

the bus stop
the coffee shop
the thinking spot

who are you and what am i?

or are they the same?
you dare complain about this life-bound game
we've been forced to play, to stay
and toil among the grounds
of us to spray back to be eaten
and again to bring us back to life,
with life..
I feel I'm quite driven insane...
to regain the fame
of my own vanity
is quite a skill.

the teacher and the master.

apprehensive that they will see through my lie, through the facade..

I'm done with playing teacher. As a student I feel uncertain.. who am I? where do i stand?
I want to be above, up up and away beyond the grinding certainty of mortality, the reliability of life and death..

but are those that i so deny myself.. are they what it is? of what it's for?

Or is it my judgement that decides the difference between when I should be one or the other.. is it about flexibility?

I have the strength, I have the courage, I just can't live up to my name. Wisdom.
It's not wisdom you need, nor knowledge, is it?
It feels like what I need is intuition. Or a quiet brain. same thing.

what is The One and what is it for?

it's when you see sunlight in someone's eyes.

A doctor's note: Sometimes when you smoke,

weed brings you down to a lower tempo. You running on slow low vibrations. But if your mind is running just too fast and won't let the weed relax them, sometimes it just call to attention the wandering of the mind. The slower the bud gets you, the more thoughts you feel like you're having. Can bring anxiety.

evolution

hair blowing in the wind like palm fronds

wind blowing all the colors around me



The wind blew fiercely, stirring up the colors of the world into broad brushstrokes of tree and car and sky and sidewalk.

blowing around the colors of the world into


throwing around color

as the wind blew all the colors around me into a kaleidoscopic frenzy of tree and sky and sidewalk.


as the wind blew around me like kaleidoscopic frenzy, life imitated art, which imitated life

the world turned into a kaleidoscopic frenzy





The palms tossed their fronds in the fanning night winds


The wind blew fiercely, stirring up the colors of the world into broad brushstrokes of tree and car and sidewalk. it swirled around her in a kaleidoscopic frenzy, leaving her blurry with indecision and distrust.

sunspots

its shining on me in little spots that cover my whole body and make me feel so weightless like they can lift me up to touch me on the dapple of sun that blankets the velvet green.

if only I could pray to someone to tell them what I've seen out there, the terrors that lurk in between the edges of the world, but the sun sweeps them away to corners and shines on, shine on
if only I could say to someone of what lives out there, the reality of what lies beyond the sheen of contentment, the dream of intent-less floating through the seams beyond, beyond

re re re re reverse

there's just some ridiculous person in my mind telling me when to go and what to say and how to do.

i feel like I'm unraveling like a bowl of spaghetti into the mouth of scott conant- i don't have the bite or the firmness required right now, and the resolve is limper than a dead dog's dick. my mind is running in loops and pacing crazily to a staggering, leaping, drunken finish with plenty of bravado. my mind is a circus clown. my mind is a feeding frenzy. my mind is a wasteland of an electric carnival in the searing heat of day. breathing water into your lungs, deluged in confusion and unnecessary emotions that are slowly recognized and coughed out in curt spats.

too high to edit.

a jackhammer starts pecking away at the back of your head, as a power saw buzzes away in fright. crickets chirp deep into an ink black sky that swallows to feed them back to you in a deafening sea of sound. you see the nodules radiating like little suns that shimmer as you sink gently into the jelly bed of the auditory ooze in your mind.



you jolt upright and you feel a cement egg being cracked on your head, the whites clinging to the nerves of your skin as the yolk slowly poisons you from the inside- frying through your mind and blinding your eyes, squeezing out of your face to slither agonizingly through your torso and drip down your legs, where it all met in a puddle at your feet.

god's dream 2.16g

once somebody told me I had no rhythm and no flow. it was a fellow artist.

i haven't been doing anything musical since then.


i dunno about you but i love jilted rhythms. i don't want it to get too singsongy. there's always an edge to the cloud.









i sat. i sat and i squinted around the room in my desperate haze, the saccharine faces of the people around me glinting through my pipe dream. Was this what I was to come to, I wondered. Were these the people I thought like? No.. it was one mistake....




Which way do I go? Where am I supposed to be? How do I get there? Will I change the world? Will I matter? Will I be remembered? Will I be loved?


I'm scared of the dark because I'm scared I see myself... and I do see myself...
Don't be afraid of her. She is you and you are her and we are just us looking at ourselves in the ocean. We ripple with the water.

a stream of smoke

worn brick steps
unstable, jilted, faded.
a plume of smoke breathed in
and out to dissipate into the vast plane we call "our" world.
Hand down, to reach out, to throw-
see how far the ball will go?
see the dog.
see the dog run. run away.
the spaded stars gather in my toes to make me stay
a tilted blue basket case.

I can't go farther than here.

the smile sagged off her face, leaving a flaccid stain as it dripped off the blankness like a melting candle.

If I had to describe my dog, I'd say..

Happy. Obsessive. Gets along with people above him. Gets along with people as his level. Does not get along with obnoxious, rambunctious people at his level. Intuitive. 눈치빨라 ( Meaning that he picks up well on the situation or on people's emotions.) Agile. Moody. Anxious. Independent when comfortable. Can be clingy. Dependent when uncertain. Playful. Loving. Oblivious. Full of energy. Motivated by love. Too smart for his own good.




and some say that a description of my dog would be one of myself.

silence is golden

the silence fills my being with dread,
as the unfettered words
floating around in my head die a death
so unwillingly pious,
and forgo the trying times
that in such heavy rains
washes out nothing, and no one.

If you could only feel how thick the silence was,
the pile of thoughts that add up to nothing but forgotten
phrases that displace us in a later time.
A blinding white, a suffocating lightness, a poor man's gold..

- if silence continues to be bought and sold.

you make me what I'm not and that's how I know it matters

I'm ethereal. A floater. A nomad. I pull from everyone to be one. Give to everybody. Nothing matters. Go with the flow.
But not with you.

With you, I'm obsessed. Looking for the ghosts that aren't there, the perfume that lingers, that lipstick prints long faded. Who was the me? I want to know her but I don't know why. I want to know if you still lust over her, if you think of her body and the way she looked at you. The scent of her, the things she whispered in your ear at night and what she felt like underneath you. The way she made you feel and how you felt with her.

I want to know if I'm better, and even though I know I am... I still wonder.

But that's the thing, isn't it? I know I'm better. I know they want it, but everybody likes different things. I know I'm good, but there's always someone who could've been better. And it could have been her.

Do you miss her? I wonder if you do. There's nobody for me to miss, but it makes me feel lost in you as though you were all that was, and is, and will be.

Help me to stop being who I'm not. Help me be free. I don't know who I was.. and I don't know who I will be, but I don't want it to be too different. I'm scared of me. I'm scared of what I can do to people.

disjointed

if just one person shoots,
it becomes a war.
Bobbing and weaving through the staccato beats of curses and tempered heats.

You launch a grenade to blow it up to smoke, but bomb is you, and, all of a sudden, it's all mirrored joke - it's a one-sided war between your mind and your heart.

And after the carnage, you have the words to say.. but there's nobody left to say them to.
You weren't born alone, so this can't be death
and you pick yourself up to live another day.
Wandering the world for someone who'll listen.

not much

Do I hear my inner voice and listen to my intuition?

I would say, sometimes. I try to be very in tune with the world and other people, but in being so focused on the bigger picture, I think I get neglected along the way. Plus my brain loves to talk. Oh, does it love to talk. So I might hear my inner voice, but not heed it. I might listen to my intuition, but ignore it. It's a work in progress.

Do I ask for help without feeling guilty?

No. I don't. It's difficult for me to lean on people without some seemingly negative repercussions. Everybody wants a piece for themselves, and I understand and empathize with that. It's a natural animal trait. I don't like to take things away from people because I'm not sure what I can offer them in return. 

What is the price I am willing to pay for realizing my dream?

I'm very willing to give up my social connections. However, more and more I feel that, perhaps, my dreams cannot succeed without my bonds with people. So it's very counterintuitive that the thing I'm wiling to give up to succeed might actually be the area in which I can succeed. Of course, some time must be expended, but I think the most important thing that I should learn to give up for my success is my own sense of dignity and belief of Self - my Ego. I think I'm so absorbed in the person that I would like to become that I'm not actually becoming anything, I'm just running around in circles. I need to be willing to give up who I think I am.

burning

What is true today that would make your 8 year-old self cry?

When I was 8, I wanted to be a published writer. I remember very distinctly. I had grand plans. I wanted to see my face in Barnes and Noble. I wanted to sit at a table for 3 hours and sign books all day and shake hands. As I grew up I knew that I would have a finished book written during Sophomore year of college and I would have it published in the summer between Sophomore and Junior year. Very specific. 

So why don't I write a book? 

"I'm not a good story teller," I sigh. 

"Writing a book is hard," I moan. 

"Nobody seems to read books anymore", says I.

And so my 8 year-old self would cry. So many big dreams dashed by, really, lack of effort. I didn't know I'd grow up to be so lazy.

But I have hope. 

I've only gone through a year of college, so.... the rest of my life is my Sophomore year. I have all the time in the world to achieve this goal of mine. 

What makes you forget to eat and poop?

Strange question, but I have an answer to that one. Reading. 

I used to read while doing everything. One hand was forever occupied as a child. I'd eat with a book. I'd read instead of sleeping. I showered with a book. I couldn't poop without a book - I can tell you that for a fact. Felt like a waste of time. I fondly remember running around the house looking for the right book before I needed to poop. Dancing in front of the bookcase. Kind of reminds me of how my dog won't poop unless he finds the right smell to occupy himself with. As a kid, reading was everything to me. I used to read books while doing my homework and stash them in this roll-out drawer for a keyboard on my desk so that I could hide them if my mom ever came to check on me. When I had to practice piano competitions as a kid, I'd prop the book next to my music and practice one hand while using the other to keep the pages open. 

There was some kind of magic in books to me, about being in another world, tied to these people and their lives... a void that TV tries to fill now, day in and day out. Not good. I love learning about people and places, how they live their lives, their emotions and their goals, their needs and dislikes. I love the human psyche, I get caught up in wondering what people want from their lives and how they go about fulfilling those needs. I'm my own psychological experiment, I suppose. 

So I guess I have a passion for people, and helping them realize and reach their goals. Like a life coach?

If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?

I answered a question previously that touched upon my fear of death. I think it was something along the lines of, "What would you do if you knew you were never going to die?" I had answered: take more time to do things.

Well this is the opposite question, and creates that same environment of ease in me, because, if I knew when I was going to die, I could plan things accordingly. I would travel and meet people and write about food and culture and live an eclectic life of rich experiences. 

If I had people gathered at my funeral, I'd want them to remember loving me. In life, I feel as though I want people to remember me as smart and pretty, but I realize these are not the things that set me apart, and are shallow things to be remembered by. I want to be remembered as accepting, loving, cheerful, helpful, cultured, clever and wise. I want them to have a connection to me in the way that people who understand life do. I want them to pray for my free spirit and feel my light burning in their lives brighter than ever. I want to touch people's lives and help them. I want to dance and pray and eat and love and build and sing and be adored by the people who know me for who I truly am.

Living in Los Angeles takes these visions of love and twists them into a weak goal of what I truly desire. I don't need to be famous, I don't need to have fans. I only wish to live in a large house full of memories of love and with those who share those memories with me.

Values PT. II

What are your values and are you being true to them? 
Family, Friends, Romantic Relationships, Sex, Work, Health, Spirituality

This was actually rather difficult. I don't often think of what is important for me spiritually, or what I really want from my physical body, or the types of qualities I value in myself as a working professional. I will say that, through these last three: Work, Health, Spirituality, I do need, or crave, a sense of Ritual. For work, I come in, sit down and have a daily schedule to go through. To stay healthy, I always drink a smoothie in the morning and take a hike on the weekends. And to stay connected to the Source, I always do a little prayer while I'm driving and often before I go to bed. My rituals are very important to me, and are what really help me stay on track. Writing should be a ritual. Music should be a ritual. I like the idea of having a time for things every day.

Work
Professionalism
Efficiency
Resourcefulness

Having worked in a couple rather unprofessional places, this makes the top of the list. For me, whenever money gets involved, I switch gears entirely - business is business and personal issues just have no place in it. Yes, "Work" involves making money for your survival, which is a very personal thing, but more importantly, "Work" is collaboration with other people for a certain goal or purpose. To help you focus on achieving this purpose, there is a need for a professional buffer, of sorts, to help you continue spending years and years with the same people, working on projects, without getting too socially involved to the point of distraction. Social interaction is inevitable, but there is a professional line that should not be crossed. En guarde, everyone.

Efficiency is probably my mind's constant curiosity. How to make things more simple, streamlined, and most productive. That saying, "Work smarter, not harder," was made just for me, and for all the other lazy people out there. (Sorry, you hard workers.) I'm obsessed with systems, how they work, how you can shortcut. Preparatory organization can do wonders for work life. If A then B, if C then D - you make a little road map to guide you. Obviously, adaptability is also important, so fuck organization, just work with one goal in mind: How can I make this more simple?
What is it people say? If you can't explain it to a 5 year-old, you don't know how it works? Same concept. Boil everything down to the essentials and make it work. Leave the details for later and shift them around like ornaments on a Christmas tree.

Again, having worked in said "rather unprofessional places", you develop a sense of "get it done somehow." Resourcefulness comes in pretty handy during those times. Look it up. Google it. See what other people say. Call people. With the internet, there's very little you can't find out. I've researched people in the industry (for WORK, I swear) and come up with the last 5 jobs they've worked, their email, their phone number and a picture for reference. And these are people who actually try to hide their information for fear people will send them recorded demos. (That's not how you get their attention, people.)
To quote a wise man, "Don't be a noob. Just do it." 
After a while, you realize the rest of the business world is as ghetto as you are. You're not so bottom-of-the-totem-pole after all.



Health
Naturalness
Ease/enjoyment
Consistency

I do have an outspoken preference that things in my life be "natural". I tend to try to stay away from processed foods and chemicals, but in this day and age, it is damn near impossible. So I do my best, and look to one day have my own garden so that I can assert a modicum of control over what goes into my body. I like to carry this philosophy into human interaction, and intuitive decision-making also: I want life to flow as naturally as possible, the way it should be.

A stress-free life is a healthy life. Exercise and health should be easy and enjoyable - killing yourself to work out and eat right is incredibly counterintuitive. Make staying fit easy: take a dance class, or walk your dog, or play an interesting sport. Make eating healthy easy: drink smoothies and mix some flaxseeds in for extra healthiness, snack on fruit, switch out for healthier options once in a while. Being healthy should be easy. And that doesn't mean take pills or do liposuction or any of that. Just be conscious of your body and what it tells you.

This is absolutely the death of me. Not really. Sort of. It's definitely a struggle of mine, and I've been doing well with going hiking every weekend, and playing at least once with my dog every day, but it is difficult for me. I know this is the best way to keep balance, not only in health, but also in the other areas of my life. Consistent exercise keeps your strong, consistent tidying makes a clean room, consistent reading sharpens your mind. This is what I touched on earlier about rituals. Make it a ritual, or a habit to exercise and eat healthy and walk your dog. Take out the time that will add up in the future.




Spirituality
Connection
Visual Representation
Constant Growth

Connection the Source. This can be achieved through quiet reflection, such as meditation, writing, walking or drawing, but I think my personal favorite is a trance state of frenetic energy- dancing. I swear I can dance to almost everything. The point is, though, to be connected to everything and everyone. Tap into the Source Energy. I'd honestly like to learn some Tai-Chi. It brings about a sense of karmic grace (wabi-sabi), of "okay"ness to the world, knowing, feeling and understanding the way life flows. You feel it while you dance - it's like a martial art, seeing this a split second before they happen and reacting with your gut. Quiet meditation helps you to accept those gut feelings, but there's nothing like a little pressure to help you.

Visual representation is kind of a weird one. Personally, I'd like to have art, or plants, or incense that fill the space with a good energy. It's a semi-superstitious, sensory presence of the Spirit. Creating a good environment for yourself is crucial, I think. As a child, you may have little control over this, but as you grow and shape your destiny, I find it to help focus you if you surround yourself with what you want to exert onto the world. You absorb and release.

I hope to fill a good portion of my growth with traveling, but you can bet I ain't waiting around for it. Reading, talking, researching, exploring, immersing yourself with different perspectives of Spirit and its people help you to develop your true vision of what you believe, or choose not to believe. Humans are 10% fact and 90% belief, I swear, because the 10% is made up of what you see/hear/taste/smell/feel now, and the 90% is your memory: what you "believe" to be true. Should really be 5/95, I was being generous.
That's why continual experience is good for you spiritually, and, honestly, for your personality and overall life happiness. The death of spiritual growth is stagnation. There is no cap on how far you can keep going, so why not just continue to discover what's out there? Who knows? I might think everything I believe in is bullshit tomorrow, but I wouldn't have gotten there if I hadn't been where I am today.


I'm glad I took this time to delve into what is important to me. Look, Ma! Constant growth! 

back and away

the wind blows and things come and go
away, and back again,
the coin rattling in the tin of the stranger you saw yesterday,
and you find again in your dreams,
their face,
another teacher from Sunday School
asking you to donate and suddenly the light turns green, and by then,

                                                                                                              it's too late.


You drive on by.


Head rattling with the reasons why
not and tied to thoughts like kites that
flew away on the wind.

That never came back to you as a kid.

Values PT. 1

What are your values and are you being true to them? 
Family, Friends, Romantic Relationships, Sex, Work, Health, Spirituality
I want to comment that it's funny how Sex has its own section. I didn't really expect that. Goes to show how important it apparently is for humans.

Family
Acceptance
Loyalty
Support

  Acceptance is the biggest thing, in family, I'd think. Acceptance for who you are, what you like, where you want to go. It's like the root of everything, family, and the root shouldn't constrain the growth of the tree above ground.

  When I say Loyalty, I don't mean blind faith. I think it's been watered down to that definition nowadays, but I see it more as a.. "I'm on your team" type of camaraderie. Its not a "greater good", self-sacrificing "team-player" attitude- a jumble of mediocrity does not make a masterpiece. Like in a 5-star dish, every ingredient needs to be at its best. A loyalty to the success of All.

  And support, of course, whether financially or emotionally, your family is your fall back. It's your back-bone, the origin of self, the womb. You should feel protected, loved and supported, no matter what you do. This doesn't overlook a failure in morality, of course, but does look to support them in their time of need. You can't desert your family.


Friends
Trust
Respect
Alignment

  Trust is big with friends. You want to know that your information is safe with this.. complete stranger that you've decided to accept into your life. Perhaps I've had a lot of fake friends. It's very important that they respect the privacy of your life and the privilege of what you're entrusting them with. While loyalty is not as big of a factor with me - you can be friends with the "other party" all you want, as long as you don't tell them anything and you keep whats between us, between us, we'll get along fine. Also, with trust, comes a faint sense of reliability. If they say they're going to be there, you trust they're going to be there. I don't have too many close friends, so I can't paint reliability as an ultimate virtue - I just haven't had that sort of close experience (nor do I really believe in it, life takes you everywhere) - but you do trust the honor of their word. While reliability is nice, I think trust is stronger. I don't think you can lean on friends too heavily.

  Oh, respect. My favorite. One needs to learn to have an observant, yet appreciative relationship with the person - a distanced recognition that the other person can, and will, do whatever the hell they want with their life, and liking them for it. Even your family shouldn't nag or interfere with the choices you make in life, and an acquaintance sure as hell shouldn't. Offering advice is one thing. Beating someone down about something is another. A familial Acceptance does play into this value. Respect also has another aspect in that regard- being able to see the person on a similar level. I hate it when people talk down to me, whether it's because of age, experience, or any other reason. The very different experiences people have are what makes your friends interesting and worth having.  A fresh mozzarella and aged parmigiano are both very different, but I don't think one would say that one is better than the other - in fact, I think they would both be better together. I have very many older friends whom I respect for their experiences and who respect me for my experiences. Mutual admiration.

  I'd think alignment is a very particular "value" for me, as it is something I seek in friends. While, of course, I do think it is important to have friends from all walks of life, I do find it important to have friends who are in alignment with your ideals and goals. What I mean by that is, do you think that an animal rights activist would be friends (or stay friends) with an individual who takes pleasure in stoning small animals? I'd think not. Of course, your friends can't complete you 100% and align with all your facets. But there has to be a bond made from a deep-seated connection and common interest, whether it be food, poetry, industry, or passion for life!


Romantic Relationships
Honesty
Reliability
A Sense of Bigger Picture


Romantic Relationships are tricky. You need to take a person with which you share the values of friendship: Trust, Respect, and Alignment; and form a relationship with deeper familial values: Acceptance, Loyalty and Support. And then on top of that, there's Romantic Relationship-specific values, and hopefully, Sex. What fun!

Honesty. It's a play on the sense of Trust from a friendship and Acceptance from a family member mixed with some grand Communication skills. You must be honest. Not brutally honest though. I like to (try to) employ this little mnemonic to help me sometimes: TNK.
Is it True? (Good, you're supposed to be honest.)
Is it Necessary? (If a recipe calls for 1 tbsp of hot sauce, why would you use 3? Same idea. Don't use or say more than is necessary. This generally applies to bad things - praise is always necessary. But don't overdo it.)

Is it Kind? (Last stop of the train. Unkind things are generally untrue and unnecessary.)

Reliability is a big thing here. This one ties in with Loyalty and Support from family. When this person begins becoming your family, you need to know that you can lean on them, that this person does their best to understand you and help you if you need it. I don't think it needs too much explaining - it's simple, to the point, easy to lose and hard to gain. You just got to be there.

Now I couldn't find a more graceful, concise word for this last value so I'm going with "A Sense of the Bigger Picture." Along with Alignment and Respect, the idea lends itself to the phrase, "Never go to bed angry." To be with a person with similar core desires, but with a deference to coupled success is a good match, I'd think. Well for me, at least. It's like running a 3-legged race with someone. You got to make sure they're willing to give up the use of one of their legs, that you're going in the same direction, and, most importantly, you want to make it work.

Sex

Communication

Novelty

Flexibility

Communication is key. To good sex, at least. Imagine, if somebody was insistent on beating you with a red hot poker, and even though you said, " No!", they thought "No!" meant "Yes!", do you think that'd call for some wonderful sex? (If you said yes, then I have to say I'm scared.)

Don't be afraid to talk about sex. If someone thinks you're crazy for doing so, don't have sex with them. You need to talk about what works and doesn't work, and what you like, and what you absolutely hate. Do the awkward pillow talk. Mention it during your romantic picnic. Discuss it on a 4 hour drive to Palm Springs. (But don't talk about it over dinner with their parents. Don't ever.)

It's okay if "No!" means "Yes!" and that gets you going. Then have a safe-word. Devise a system. Whatever works for you. 

Why get naked with somebody if you can't even bare a piece of your (sex-related) soul to them? 

People (should) love trying new things. New food, new places, new hair-salon, new gym, and new SEX. Butt-sex, public sex, sex with vegetables, sex with whips, sex with whip-cream, sex upside down and with other people - whatever you're willing to try. (no animals though. Please.) Why not embrace the spice of life? (The answer is variety.) What do you have to lose? (Except possibly some dignity.) You're already naked, for Gods-sake!

What I'm talking about here is not, I-can-bend-over-backwards-and-lick-my-own-penis, kind of flexibility, I'm more speaking of a go-with-the-flow mentality. Sex, to me, is the product of seduction. And the one who does the "seducing"? Well you can always take turns. Sometimes you want to get roughed up, sometimes you want to wind your ribbons around him - either way, a flexibility in dominance is important. I'm not a you're-always-on-top or I'm-always-on-top kind of gal. It's relative. It's dependent. Whatever happens, you gotta be okay with getting smashed on the bottom sometimes, and you gotta be okay with hauling ass on top. It's life. You can't always win. Deal with it. Some guys are pretty one note about it, they're going to control you with their Ego (they'll force you to do stuff) or be real lazy with their Ego (they'll just lie there and expect you to do things). Either way, they got an Ego that knows what it wants. Don't hang out with them, and most importantly: don't have sex with them. There's no fun in personality-less sex. 

On that note, I guess I'd say that I prefer to seduce men until they take control. There's something fun about making people snap. 

Whew. That was a lot of writing, so I'm saving Work, Health and Spirituality for tomorrow. 

resolute.

drink less, listen to my body
be more carefree,
but more focused
study more
be stronger
more independent
cook more
laugh more
sing more
write more
draw more

don't be afraid.

Be more Me.