of the tops

Trying to keep everything together 

is putting me under the weather

my mind floats as a feather

in the ether, untethered to realities of foggy X-ed treasures

on a fast food napkin map

you wipe like Donalds ass is a honey trap for Beyhives

you substandard lowlives, you attract flies

as your mouths spout gossip shit,

a sewage brick that needs a million dollar plumber to come and unclog it.

I don't know what I'm sayin, I'm just prayin that you stay with me and understand that my right hand man is my hand, I'm just trying to get by somehow and stay myself and I...

woohoooo.

I am deluged with floods of nothing at all
a noisy brawl in a empty hall
my brain is full of shit, unwrit
but pencil and paper can't seem to hold all of it

I fall, deluded, unrooted to shame
"this bitch has gone mad!" they hiss and complain,
and I ask, "shall I deign to do the mundane?
the pain through which to moneybag my fame?"
and they boo at my corporate straight-lacey ways
I think they'd rather see stumbling through a chemical-haze.

But don't worry, I've been there, I've seen it, I 've done that.
I ain't no straight A, I'm straight C, can you cup that?

majwords

shall I deign to do the mundane? the pain through which to gain fame..


am i insane?

I'm not making music for me, im making music for you
do you think people give a shit about all the drugs you do, you fool
Why don't people realize its not a reflection, but a message
We fill the minds of the generation
their veneration fills our occupations
we mold them with our inflections

and that puts so much pressure on me
I feel like i don't have the substance to make a living
from this musical seed thats sprouting into trees
so we can play musical chairs with the radio stations

3 drinks in...

Iiiii don't know what to write about, what is there to write about

If anything, time moves so quickly! Just a moment ago I was young as hell and you were young as hell and we were so young, and now look at us.. where's the fucking fun


irritation abounds! I wonder what it means hmmm.

sigh.

balance is so fucking difficult.
Seriously, back to the life of hermitude it is.
Gotta just keep my fucking head down and work because I'm getting distracted.


speaking of distracted, spend the last hour or so reading up on US vs Canadian health care.
I think the biggest issue is that Americans are generally distrustful of their government. Many  people just don't want the government mixing in their health care system. Which is not an unfounded fear, I'd say. But a single-payer system, this so-called "socialism" is bunching the knickers of so many Americans because of the capitalist philosophy we've been built off of. A gaggle of martyrs, us Americans, dying for our freedom- the freedom we can't enjoy because well, the uninsured lot of us are dead.

transitions and sucking it up.

irritation abounds. Somehow fell off the fucken train track and gotta bust my ass to be on it again.

I also don't like waiting. Or I suppose I'm just impatient today.. The past week has got me in all sorts of funks. Looking back like that makes me... prickly, for lack of better words. Makes me a little unhappy, uncomfortable, short-tempered. Don't like lingering, don't like the burn, don't like the pain.

Forward march.

Looking back..

It is funny how much can change in such little time, the sway of the minutes to the sway of the mind..
High to low, fast to slow. A couple days ago, I was so motivated.. Well I suppose I still am now. Just rekindling.. fire swept out.




It's awesome to feel woozy in the sun. I don't think I like it as much during the night. In the night you have to make lights, and in the day, they're already there, dancing.

to you.

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. 

Pablo Neruda

motivationals.

trying to go a day without posting on here really nags at my mind, and that's great! Means I know what I should be doing, I just need to do it!


Been very motivated today. Listening to audio books, getting in tune with my body, practicing my music, catching up with friends.
Feeling like such a fulfilling day.
And its wonderful to be able to be translating my thoughts into writing.

You know, some days are better than others, its all aspects. I'll have lazy days of intense songwriting, and busy days of physical body work - the book I'm reading is right. Self-perception is a zoo.

I ain't no wanderer anymore. You go girl.

feeling very...

loquacious, tenacious to the braces that will break us one day, no leaning on the crutch of sinners, vices make it so you never get to play..

Crickets are always so loud..


have been harboring insecurity today. body image, talent, allover human value.
facebook is a shithole, I've been thinking. Or I'm just a little buzzed and aggravated. Or both!
Can't even mind my own business if I want to.

themes: "I can't control what happens to me, but I can control what I do about it"

I can't control the thoughts and actions and questions of other people. Can only control mine.

What is control, really?
From my experiences as a child, and so on, I've seen control as nothing more than fear, the contraction of loss. The only solution I've found is to act directly opposite to the fear. I'm afraid of someone leaving me, so I'll show them how much I love them-sort of thing. It's still a working process. I ain't perfect yet.
At one point, you end up just standing there, watching your fears come into play, and you're so paralyzed and horrified by what's happening around you that, well, you just stand there. Fight or flight, sort of thing. Taking no action is an action.

I've spent my entire life like that. Full of passion, yet so full of fear, my life has been a constantly disharmonious melody pulling back and pushing forth - stillness in the motion, whirling through the quiet... I'ts delayed reaction, is what it is. The times you need to act, you retreat into your cloudy mind, and when you need to slow down, you run rampant.

I also have this fear that I poison people... my "craziness", does it affect other people? Do I see it because I bring it out of them, or because I create it in them, or are we all really like that? My flip-flopping, my indecision - does it permeate into the stability of others?

I can't answer anything. I guess the bright-side could be that.. maybe I have more material to work with?
Life is cold.

fuck the haters, see you later

Success is the best revenge. Regret is the best injury.

I ain't out for no revenge though. I don't do that shit. 

Just gives me a little more motivation for the success. Fuck the haters, see you later, sort of thing. haha.

I'm out there to be ME, but in the process, if I break the hearts and blow the minds of people who don't believe in me, well, I can't save you, sorry.

Once someone asked me what was more important, my own personal development, or my relationship with them. I had given a noncommittal answer for the sake of not hurting their feelings. But I know, and at the time, with my heart knew that NOBODY like that will stand in the way of me and my success. Nothing is more important than the fulfillment of my heart, because if I'm not happy, you sure as hell won't be, I'll guarantee it. My personal development is all I have, so fuck off and focus on your own crumbling life. All of yous. Seriously. 

It's not my job to make you regret, you're not even worth an ounce of my energy. But I can't say I won't be the tiniest bit gleeful when it comes to it. 

"ideally"

Ventures

I'm just going to have to find my own thing. Helping people really doesn't seem to be working as well as I'd like because I just take things and run. I guess I just want to be moving, to be going. So lets start something. Something of my own. What though?

Business business business. I love it. I love plans, I really do, and now I've reached this point where I love to execute them as well. More ideas then! More ideas to grow and raise like little children.

verbose.

It's a wonder I actually write about something every day. Just a good way for me to keep the brain flowing correctly.

My confidence levels are rising - it's high tide. I can tell because I can say "Good Morning" to people in the mornings. I can tell because I'm not scared to look directly into the camera anymore. I can tell because I'm deciding my life, working, living, breathing with intention. I have a purpose now. Shaky at best, but I have a dream, I have a plan. I'm a musician. I'm a model. I'm an artist! I'm a writer. I'm a dancer. I am so many things, and all these things make me wonderful and all these things make me happy, and happiness, my friend is the great key to success.

So is focus, and not doing so well with that one right now to be honest haha.


I love the light right now. The soft golden glow of my lamp, making the ridges of the water bottle in my upper left sight glimmer and glisten, along with the glass cup on my left, transparency giving away the dancing water that shivers and shakes from my typing fingers. The water distorts the word "Saturday 01" underneath, the first of this month, the calendar that beds an ocean blue leather journal, etchings of dreams with its silk, cream tongue resting between its pages. The wind is thrattling (thrashing/rattling) the house with mournful moans of change, hissing through the trees and shakes the uncertain garage door - things are coming, good or bad, I cannot say, but change is upon us, change is upon us.
Indeed, as pens strewn across the notepad beside me, cap at, "bullet point: jobs / 1. Need..." and point staring blankly into lined space, lost in the to-do's and reluctant importance of reality.

What is change, and who am I? Or are those questions have the same answer? Can one ever tell?
Well I can tell that it's time for a nap. Uncharacteristically sleepy nowadays.

divine creator of facial hair

Lord, let me achieve my dreams. If you existed anyways, in my head. The term Universe is a bit cold, isn't it? Of course everybody wants a friendly bearded sky hobo to hug them and tell them he loves them. Why are beards so subconsciously comforting? I feel like we should be scared of them. Beards are webs of a flavorful past and unruly future. Wiry, scratchy things. I much prefer moustaches.

scared myself for a second there. Blogger is telling me moustache(s) is spelled incorrectly and I actually had to go check, so full of doubt. Great, another english major that can't spell moustache haha. See there is goes again! Dotted red line of doom.

Feel like I should probably stop identifying myself as an English Major. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just.. its not me anymore. I'm not in college, fuck majors, I'm the boss of the Minors. obviously.



getting real sleepy...

distraction and contractions to fortunes and fame

A little distracted. So many things to do, and so much time..
I need to use my time more wisely. Its okay, now that HOUSE OF CARDS IS OVER.
What a momentous season. I feel no regret spending my time watching witty and fascinating tv shows. But can't say I'm not glad it's over.. more hours in the day to do things.. haha.

All that ever runs through my head are thoughts, thoughts, thoughts on what I need to do but its all a jumble. Need a vision.

Saw Matthew McConaughey's (I had to look up the spelling for his last name, wow.) Oscar speech. Said when he was 15, somebody asked him who his hero was. After consideration, he said, "Himself in 10 years." Age 25. And When he was 25, it was him at 35.. and so on and so forth. Always chasing the forever unattainable, himself. There is always more.. but always at your own standard. What a great answer.

I like even numbers, right? Even when turning up the volume in my car it always has to be at a 0 or a 5. 15, 20, 25, 30.. I don't do in-between numbers. Well it's my lucky year. I'm 20... lets make a plan for 25. Who will I be then? What will I have accomplished? Where will I be?

strip clubs.

just thinking-- there is a place where men can go pay bitches to shake their tits in YOUR FACE. What is the equivalent of a tittybar for women? (this is an assumingly non-single conversation) A cockbar? To be completely honest, no matter how sexed up I am, I doubt I'd ever want a guy to be shaking his dick in my face, but for the sake of equality.
Yes, there are male strippers, but I'd say the excitement comes from the ludicrously hilarious image of a real-live functioning male who moonlights in nothing but a bowtie and a scandalously tiger printed manthong. I don't find it particularly scintillating, really.

A man's fun comes from caging a cat, and I'd say a woman's fun comes from prowling. But boundaries? Oh man, boobs and hips get you into all sorts of trouble. So what'll it be? What can it be?

Man goes to strip club, can woman just go to a club? Man gets girl to give him a lap dance, can a woman have another guy dance with her? Or is it okay because he's paying the girl? Fuck that, women don't need to spend a cent!

Time to go out soon.
I'd better find me some girlfriends stat then. hahahaha goodnight.

to best friends. an ode to my pup.

He was my lover and my friend. A constant companion, an ear to listen and a mouth to kiss. Sometimes he was the reason to wake up in the morning, a motivation to live and to learn continuously. He was the warm body next to me during cold nights, a tangle of limbs and yawns. One had never stared into such soulful eyes.. with their, almost melancholy depths that told you, "I love you", "Please?", "It'll be alright."

Sometimes there is nothing like the comfort of another soul curled up in your lap. A determination to be at your side, no matter the lengths. A need to better me to better him.

He'll hold my hand during long walks in the morning, dashing back as the first drops of rain begin to thicken. Stretching with me in the mornings as we say hello to the early sun. Radiating joy as I turn my face to him as a flower to the light, melting and strengthening my might. There is nothing as beautiful as sleep, with little fluttering breaths and a rosy pink tongue that peeks out between pearls.

But nobody has experienced such longing, for what, I still cannot fathom. I see sadness, or is it mine? Have our feelings come to be intertwined? Perhaps when I come to understand myself, I will see the truth in yours. A child of limitless affection and teacher of unconditional love. All I can do is thank you, thank you, thank you.