trancestates

as an aside,

the trance state feels as though I am in a sensory deprivation chamber. I can't feel my limbs, just my mind. My body feels leaden. To move requires incredible effort, and I feel that if I were to force motion before reeling in my mind, that something would be snapped, broken. Like I kite, I must bring myself back into my body, melding so that I may be whole again. 

waiting games

Another meditation. When I begin to descend into trance-like states, my eyes begin to flutter from the vibrations in my brain.
I find it easier and easier to ground myself.
Today I visualized my "answer box". I walked a sandy path to a round stone tower, a wooden door ajar. I entered, and beheld a great long table, at the head of which was a brown wooden box with a bear mouth clasp. I picked up the quill and wrote upon a parchment, "Where do I go from here? What job will I take? " and outlined in my head the specifics, a job in music with people I enjoy and good pay (since money comes to me easily in all ways). I will state that I am unconcerned with my life craft, I am already working on that! I just wanted to know how I should steer my life so that the ins and outs of my mind are parallel.
So I folded up the parchment, 1, 2 and roll, and placed it in the bear mouth box and clasped the lock. After several seconds, I retrieved the parchment from the box and unrolled it, and unfolded it once. I did not read the parchment. I felt like I already knew what it would say.
Carrying the paper, I walked back out, out the door, down the sandy path and brought myself back to the present. I envisioned myself, at my desk, the energy in my hands, circulating, and unfolded the paper. One word was written upon the paper,

wait

and then I understood

it is coming.

the bear

I had the pleasure of meeting a mighty bear. I walked to a temple, I knew I was going to meet someone there. I happened upon the illusion of a great golden gate, heavy and tall, difficult to open. I cleared it from my mind and saw the truth- I passed through a worn, wooden gate. I continued upon a path of sunshine through the turquoise sky, passing by a puddle of ducks, fields of orange flowers, until my path was flanked by great big stones on either side, providing cooling shade. At the end of my road, there was a cave. I knocked upon the wooden door, and was greeted inside. At the end of my vision, I saw a golden altar. For who, I don't know. I thought I saw Shiva there. There were great stained glass windows throwing color into the dark, cool cave. I felt safe. I looked out the back window and saw the sun-lit fields. There was a table before the altar. From a hallway beyond, appeared a bear. A big Grizzly bear on its hind-legs. It took my hand and assuaged me with forms of a cold-handed woman, and my love dressed in flowing gold. Then he bid me sit down at the table and he sat facing me. I was honored with a gift of jade in my hands. When I looked up, my love sat there and told me that he would always guard me, that I could rely on him, that he would strengthen me. He took me and cradled me in his arms, and stroked my head. I kissed him, and he, clad in gold, walked me to the door. As I walked out, I again saw its true form, as a bear, and as I walked along the path back past the shrubs, down the hill and past the gate, I looked back one more time, and saw a grizzly bear, on all fours, watching me as I left. I continued down the path and as I felt myself lift back to reality, I floated upwards, my skin molting off as I transformed into a flaming phoenix, bathed in golden sun.

i want to feel something again. something extreme!
more like - i want to feel extremely happy and satisfied and free and all that shit.

Not really sure how I feel anymore. I feel like nothing.

ns

I know I should probably get started on my own, right? I'm waiting around for people.. do I have magic in my fingers?
Never satisfied..

If I'm not enough for myself, who will I be enough for? Can't have fun anymore.
Loosen up.. relax..
Why is it so difficult?

It's been so hard to sing.
Doubt and uncertainty reign
and fill me with disdain
for the art of my design


fuck, i dont even know anymore. fuck.

luxe

in a world of chaos, discipline is the most difficult, is it not? our desires to fit in the lines, inscribed in the times to be relevant to the present
an activist to combat the sedentary lifestyle, mock up of a graceless tasteless luxor's wife-style.

strains

I don't know what you are
but I know what you want
I hear you scratching at my door
What's the point..

I've never seen your face
I've never even cared
I've never opened the door
just a peek to your stare

Go away, go away, go away
I can't, I won't, I don't
In a world that's lacking honesty
I'm loathe to say I'm scared

Go away I'm afraid, I'm afraid
Being infected by something
That might take me nowhere
Are you even there?
Or am I dreaming it

Walls

When the desire for succes and significance overpowers the fulfillment of creative freedom, one is barred by the gates that no longer lock others out, but instead lock one into a quarantine of fear and confusion.

busybee

I feel like I have this constant desire to be doing something. Or doing anything, really.
Which is really odd because the things I occupy my time with are..not that important. Small tasks. Is this procrastination?
Is this fear?

Fuck, on a side note, I'm so stunned and repulsed and filled with deep nausea, having just watched this week's episode of Game of Thrones.
I can't, I just can't. Can't. Can't live after this wow.

Driving

I don't know what I was that thinking. Looking back, it should have been plainly obvious what kind of person he was. One who was past the age of school but still hung out there with younger, school-aged kids.

This is literally the first time I've thought of this. What the hell. It's not that anything is technically "wrong" with that, to each his own, but his philosophies of "moving on" and "letting go" should have sort of been apparent.

If I've learned anything from driving in traffic, it is that what matters is not where you are, but the rate at which you are moving. Basically, its not how far you've gone, but how fast you're going.
Moving is life, growing is life, changing is life.

On a side note, I actually just woke up from a dream where I was arguing with my mom about the "C" which represents change, on my tattoo. She seemed to think I would regret it. Huh.. Something to think about?

And also I was making some chicken salad. Which ended up being a pizza (idk how that happened..)