drinking holes.

just a touch, just a rush of emotion
insane devotion to what we believe
is a notion of love
made by the man upstairs
his name, your name
his stare, your stare
who are you now? what can you be?
mere mortal or my petty whim?

and we hesitate..in the spaces we create
just a moment that stagnates and throws the weight
making us shift anxiously from foot to foot
hoping for something that will placate our restless soul

the clink like a warning toll. a drowning hole.

BB-bd

I know you're there.
I know you're watching.
Every picture, every message, every search, every click.
We're all locked onto this grid of connection, the network, they say..
It's like living in an apartment complex, its your complex, and so you think it gives you the right to inspect all our rooms. Does it?
I know you're watching.
I know you're there.

So who do you see me as? Who do you think I am? Have the whole picture yet? I still can't let go of pen and paper, so what you see is just..

second nature..

don't bring it out of her

feeling really tired and really old. feeling old. feeling worn.

I don't need it, I don't need it. need any of it

I seem to have a craving for things I don't need. There's greed in there, the belief in a whole that will never be filled, well it will never be filled- it's already full.

I don't want it, I don't want it. Nothing gained, just lost lost lost.

actually alone. haha

sleeping without vader today. it feels weird. i feel weird. ugh. haha is it odd for this to be making me feel a little sad?

can't put your finger on me (don't put your fingers on me)

anxious creep through my mind
a tiger beat upon my chest
and make me sleep, slip, dream
of the terrors unseen in the night-time
traveling through empty space,
the fullest nothing to grace us with hearts misplaced
I was quite sure if we had only agreed
that you would have seen
that I'm much more and much less than what you comprehend

You put a finger on me and you'll regret it
I'll throw you off boy, I'm impossible
let it all out boy, I don't dread it, I'm unstoppable, I'm unstoppable
I know you want to let go but about me, there's still something so....

Just can't put your finger on me,
so don't put your fingers on me


Must be delusional, you think I'm this crazy mastermind
No means its not okay, and fine means that I'm really fine.
Fuck you and your philosophy,
Oh my alleged "atrocities"
Oh if you'd have been where I have been
You would understand
that I'm much more and much less than what you've seen

and happy 420! hahaha

I'm trying hard to reaching out for a rainbow
I'm made of star -
But didn't have any love shown
I'm trying hard
I work my skin to the bone
It's just a start, won't let the pain never show
Although I can't keep up
I can't keep up
I CAN'T KEEP UP



I'm trying hard to work my way through the system
I'm made of star -
But found that no one was listening!
I'm driving on 'till the break of dawn
I refuse to fall.
I'm driving on 'till the break of dawn
I REFUSE TO FALL

'Cause I can't keep up
I can't keep up
I CAN'T KEEP UP
Someone never showed me love,
Won't somebody give a fuck?
Because I can't keep up
I can't keep up
I CAN'T KEEP UP
Someone never showed me love,
Won't somebody give a fuck?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCX6WBIzfQ8

I am sitting..

in the dark, by glow of my computer. vibing to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKW2gmAl964
(song title, figures, huh? ha)
as I have been all weekendddd and drinking and smoking in my room. in complete darkness... and for the first time in a while, I feel fucking alive...

stew

stewing right now. wishing I could be somewhere that I currently am not.

Have I been so anti-festival because I'm worried of Sophia? Worried of who I could be?


Burning though.. simmering.. I want to be free be free, let loose, quit being so preoccupied with my own self and socialize, jesus.


There's a thin underlying line of nasty sabotage resting there, wounded animal anger. Upset and snappy. Of course, I'm doing a wonderful job of assuaging, I'd say. Its deadened with love haha, but its there.

I need to keep running, running.. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, either. Nobody was there with us, experienced the thrills and chills, We were Golden in our age. All of us. I don't know many other people like that, that need to let those animals loose every once and a while. Like let the fuck loose. We were all a cohesive team too, fuck. Idk. Now I have to go about it differently. Feels different. Everyone different. No line to tug me back to reality. I could go wandering off if even you're not there.

I still want those times where people pull me back in... I want to feel that lack of responsibility again, I guess.
FUCK!

I'm angry and a little unhappy. fuck.

coachandcarriage

Can feel the feelings rise up like balloons, burst
out of my chest
There's a rupture in my heart that's giving me unrest
I'm missing sink or swimming
I'm missing lose or winning
Survival instincts would serve me best, here

I feel the dusty heat,
a drum step on repeat
as suns are downed and spirits risen
I'd do anything now to bust this prison

I've been longing for the desert sand,
your dark hand in my hand
give me a choice of neon lights or sun
why've we got to pick only one?

feeling..

feeling really alone. I don't know if I miss people or if its really just withdrawals of music and ecstasy. the dancing around and feeling good.. I don't know if I miss people or if I miss myself around people. I miss dancing. Dancing like that brings out this carnal in me, a queen, the seductive, tempting alter ego ...

just went through a couple minutes ruminating about names. There's three names floating around me. Sophia, Jade, Maj.
Sophia is Yin, I think. The dark glowing girl. Dusky light. She's the seductress hahaha. Captivating. All eyes on her. Sophy when I wan't to be extra naughty. I've been struggling with different auras, different energies, and tied to this name, I grew up with strong animal magnetism, incredible luck and as an emotionally passionate person. Hard to progress though, strong-willed, and can be too blunt or insistent.
Then Jade. a little more business-like I think. She's the quiet one. The reader, with the logic, the struggles, the complications, the discipline. Yang in a more muted way. She's the rough edges of pages in books and rain on a rooftop.. Plainly shining. Simple pleasures. She's much more the hippie. Like a little daisy.
And Maj. Sometimes I picture her as a British Punk-Rock queen with a pink shaggy pixie cut. She's rough but she sparkles and shines like broken glass in the light. She loves music with that pumped-up, jumping-up-and-down beat, and she's angry, oh, can she can get angry. The tough mask, the up front, the face girl. Oh she's the "nurture" girl, the structure built from the culmination of childhood experiences and teen stumbles rolled pell-mell into both Jade's fears and Sophia's stubbornness to make who you know.


I got off onto this tangent that started in semi-misery. It's nice to know I can distract myself. I'd LOVE to be dancing, because I miss dancing, and I think I miss being around all kind of people in general. My faces are getting dusty. Time to get back out there.


Rule&Shine

nochella

another year, another world, is this fullness the transitorE and who is Lucy?
I can't see for shame, another tidal wave of whiskey to blame all the pain on
I felt so full of life at one point, a joint that's meant to be shared
and me, myself and I, we round out like the numbers of pi,
and buzzin alone ain't the same when you're the only one in the hive.
Taste sweet like honey and strong as sin
the words I use to pull me into drinking gin to top the holes that fill me in.

Lazy. No work tonight.

The night is too young, for things to be done,
She is sweet and fair and in her embrace you slip, you tip
The scales of work and play,
In her cool, breezy arms, you'll stay..

offerings.

incendiary incense that lights fires for the spark of consequence
a monk says to me, you plead but don't cherish
the reality is not to grin and bear, but to bare it to the gods,
the offering of raw and ripe, the reasons for loss and strife
that fill the air with flames, incensed.

womans. drinks.

loquacious lips seduce men struggling for meanings
to send them reeling into carnal delight
despite what they believe is wrong from right

however, a lovely knows
to be kept on her toes
she must be spun by a rugged son of Sun
a guiding light
a firm grasp tight on her skin,

she'll know by his calloused hand
that he is a man..

rotting in silence..

an unrest in my chest as I wait for the word, unheard, unbidden,
he's hidden behind a screen of pleasantry and I can't find him ..