preguntas.

more questions. I think they help.

What would you change if you knew you were NEVER going to die?

I'd spend more time, I guess. More time on everything. I'm pretty freaked out my time. My time sensor is mangled by this thread of anxiety that seems to run through everything. I value efficiency. I can't even leave the sink on for a second without thinking about the water I'm wasting. Makes doing dishes not so fun. Can't turn on the bath without wincing at the waste of water. Can't stop at a bathroom while driving without bemoaning the effort. I'd be a happy robot I think.

Anyways. If I knew that I was never going to die, I'd just spend more time. Spend more time being in my twenties. Spend more time hanging out with friends that are as nutritious as pillow mints. Spend more time ..wasting time, even though I feel like I always am. "Wasting" time and effort growing a garden, maybe, instead of sitting in front of my computer trying to fix my resume. "Wasting" my time and effort with shoddy drawings and clunky poems, instead of trying to create a masterpiece. I'd be less afraid of failure, of mistakes, of waste. I have a long time to make my mark on the world, whereas now I feel like I'm living in an hourglass, and every second is a chunk of rock that thunks me on the head, reminding me of the lost time, lost time, lost time that's slipping by. It's like my room is talking to me: my desk is whispering 'nothing, nothing, nothing.." and the hoards of clothing in my closet mock me, 'liar, liar, liar..' and my damned bed won't stop beckoning me to rest because I'm 'lazy, lazy lazy....'. Nothing scares me more than the time that's slipping away, and I'd love to live without having to cherish it all.

Is it hard for you to get rid of things you no longer need or want?

Indubitably. I'm definitely some form of hoarder. I hate regret. I don't like the feeling of throwing something away and then later feeling.. "Damn, if I had those right now, it would be perfect." It's like I don't know what I should keep and what I shouldn't. Also, what if those things need ME later on? I think people's greatest desire is to be needed.

I also think there's a want to challenge myself. Or prove to myself that I can make something out of anything and nothing. I squirrel things away, money, food, scraps of paper that I've cut out of. I'll save food until it's completely spoilt. I could've used it before, but I thought I might need it later. I can't seem to adjust to the flow of things. I guard everything too preciously, until I crack from lack of, well, fun. It's like I'm saving up for nothing. No goals. I'll save it all up, and then, in a whirl of emotion, spend, binge, throw away. And then I'll regret it. I think avoiding regret is the best way to court it, it seems. 

How much time do you spend looking for things you can't find?

I'm curious. Too curious. I once saw a cartoon of a man who had dug a hole two inches from diamonds and had turned back, discouraged. If he had just dug just one minute more, he'd be a rich man. Regret. Fear. Words like that come up often, don't they? You just never know. 

But there is also the saying, " When one door closes, another door opens." What they don't tell you is that if you're looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, you'll miss the second door. 

Living lost

I am in a dark place. Shadowy underbelly of the world.

Purposeless. That is really where darkness truly comes from. From not knowing why to turn on the light.
I'm doing this stupid exercise in hopes that maybe I'll "learn something about myself."

Really I just need some kind of excuse to write.


Who do you envy and why?

Envy?
The contented. The brilliantly happy. The glowing. The motivated. The knowledgable. The ignorant.
Those who seem alive, and moving forward to something. Those who are calm and poised and serene. Those who are adored and loved and envied. I envy the people who are envied.

I want to be bright and brilliant and adored and sought out and achieve greatness and have a title and live cleaning the muck off me so that my light can shine.

What do you lie about?

Very much. Just about anything that makes me ashamed.. I lie about lying, because it means I have something to hide. I lie about my guilts, my past. Sometimes lie about things I used to brag about because they're not relevant anymore. I hide the parts that don't seem to fit in anymore. If people think I'm fine, I'll lie about the struggles. If people think I'm struggling, it's hard not to lie about that fact that I'm doing well. It's difficult not to assume the shape people see me in. I don't feel in control of my life anymore. I feel like a chameleon gone mad.

What do you do for fun?

Read. Draw. Make music.

but these are knee-jerk answers, almost. Like they're the things I want people to think I enjoy. I have a fun time drinking wine with people and talking and eating food. I have fun learning things about the world. about people's lives. I have fun running, feeling like I could almost fly. I have fun doing strenuous work, sometimes. I have fun sitting by a lake and watching the water pass by. I like tending to plants, projects, watching things grow. I have fun watching my dog be brilliantly fast. I have fun living in a different world, whether I get there through a book, alcohol, drugs or talking. I have fun expressing myself. I have fun succeeding.

Are you an abstainer or a moderator?

Oh-ho, definitely an abstainer. But everything in life that I've "abstained" from, I binged on. Alcohol, drugs, men, laziness, busyness, emotions. I try to moderate now, and I think it works. But the abstaining part of myself is strict with its whip.

What's the nature of your relationship to the expectations of yourself and others?

I like the exceed expectations. I like to surprise people. So when many people hold me to a higher standard (often one I've created) than I feel like I can deliver on, I bottom out and deliver nothing. However, being an underdog makes my skin itch. Makes me want to prove myself against their expectations.
Of course, this is the same, whether of me of others, but I think I'm particularly harsh on myself. I have too many expectations of myself, I think. And I think that my weak self-confidence is not of its own making, but is just a product of my natural, incredibly blown up sense of confidence. I think I'm incredibly smart, but the concrete evidence I have to prove myself on is weak. And because I can't meet my own expectations, I think that maybe I'm not smart at all, I'm a dumbass.
While you might think this may be good, it's the shattering of the world for me. It's the cracking of my perception of the world, and it drives me insane. Nothing I thought is how it is. And I'm not very willing to let go of my perception of my self. I've spent my entire life somehow thinking that I'm attractive and clever and capable, but it becomes a weak argument with no evidence.
I spend so much time looking for reason within the world because I can find none within my family or myself. But somehow I know I won't find any answers there. So what do I do?
I don't want to be average.

I'm a dream-weaver, a truth-held mind deceiver, the purist's heart-conceiver.
One mention of the world of lack and then we're all tumbling back..
Back into a tiger cage, a play that's set and staged by the "people's" sage..
and what if time runs out? Its runs, rapid, tumbles back into the spider's spout, until we're washed out of options and face
disappointedly placed needs that never do give up the chase. What a waste of our breath.

just dont really feel like writing anymore.
There's something about it, like the feeling of hiking up a hill, of "overcoming" that it seems I'm too scared? or lazy? to begin. There's just so much, a closet bursting with things that need to be organized and not enough grit to do it.

there's this part of me that wants to just shrivel up and crawl in bed with my pup and never get out and eat tomato soup and fruit snacks and watch tv.

a transmission

an indignant inquisition to a fuzzy remission of the brain..
a sharp incision to the field of vision -
a spyglass collision creating kaleidoscopic vision
on a daring mission through the woes and plains and fields and pains of a soul, struck-

by indecision.

Giving more than you can hurts your ability to give.

country girl

waking up early to milk your cow and collect chicken eggs has a totally different feeling than waking up early to drive to work, and there's something i really like about that.