"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things — but vice versa — the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." -Doctor Who

She was creative and joyful and spontaneous, stuck in a dead-end job and slowly, ever so slowly bleeding out  and losing her capacity for love. She was tired, oh-so tired of feeling tired. And on March 27th, she woke up in the morning and decided... she would change her life. She was going to change her life. Her life was going to change.

Going through the "Dark Night of the Soul"

I will follow you into the dark...
Trying to reclaim joy in my life

"You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness"




The sun has set
and yet I,
trudge on, hoping to sight a ray on the next horizon

Maybe this one feels differently because I feel differently about it.
I can't take this stuff lightly anymore... tangling people in my web of deception and mystery, using them to validate the things I forget about myself.

The thing is, I really don't want to do this anymore. Live my life like this, that is. I want something different. I need a change of scenery, I swift kick in the ass to wake me up and put me on the edge. I work best in challenging conditions. Or do I? Is that another false idea that I feed myself about who I am?

I'm sick of all these people that "know" me. I want to craft myself from nothing, raise myself from the dead. I'm done with this carcass, I want another one. I want another name, another profession, another accent, another story. I'm just another shapeshifter without a soul - nobody knows my true form except him. Sounds crazy, but there's something in me that he sees, some raw nugget of something. I want to be that person. 

There's some goodness in me somewhere... but is this my way of shifting responsibility again? Is this another way of handing the control off to someone else? He's my backboard though, my ground zero, my HQ. Is he though? Is he just another person with expectations? Does he know what he loves? Does he know my truths?
Does he know that I'm broken? Or does he know that brokenness is where the light gets in?

uncertain haikus for an uncertain time

The mind, uncertain,

Lingers above the fray - Go.

Give yourself a chance

What does it mean to?

What does it mean when you don’t?

Why waste time? Just do.

In hesitation,

there is a moment of love,

follow it. it knows.

Make no mistake about it - enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing through the facade of pretense. It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true. -Adyashanti

we cling to these former selves

These previous iterations and ideals, trying to form a definitive character in an impermanent world.

We are bound to these characters by other people, and by ourselves. In making the Self easy to digest, compact, succinct, we smooth out our ragged edges into a smooth, presentable, unnatural whole. This is not the truth of the Self. This is a persona we create and choose to uplift. We allow others to mold us to their expectation and we choose to embody their ideals of who we are.

The snake sheds his skin, discards it and disappears

We leave behind us what we no longer need, - imagine the pain if you clung to your former skins, the burden as you dragged your past behind you. This defies the natural order of the world. We cannot fight the forces greater than us, so surrender to the change.

Don’t choose to be predictable. Don’t choose to be understandable. There is loneliness, yes, in being misunderstood. But better to be alone in the truth than surrounded in a lie.

Choose to surprise people. To be unconventional. To defy expectation and test the limits of your character. Push forward. Forge a path. Light the way.

There’s nothing to speak, there’s nothing to say..

Somewhere along the line, my sunshine was taken away..

But that in itself is a lie. My life is mine, and sometimes we shut our eyes to the truth - ignoring the proof that there is something beyond us, a love that ties us together

The mind is 

All about what I say and how I act?

How about what I attract?

What do I breathe in? What goes on inside? What force do I trust to guide me?

How can I change the way I react so that it detracts from the negativity, a relative concept that I create to soothe the lack of love I feel. Another hand to God to save me, another post in hope it’ll save me from myself, another self hating self. 

There’s a wealth around us, just settle down and tap in.. it all begins from within.