wonky

Breathe again.

Mondays.

Yesterday we connected again for the first time in what felt like a long time.  I saw him again, really looking at him, really talking to him -and fell in love all over. He’s so vibrant and thoughtful, funny and clever. These pedestrian words do nothing to illustrate the feeling of gasping for breath when he makes me laugh, or the warmth of his arms around me. 

My writing muscles are rusty

Rusty from disuse

Negligence abuse

The king returns to find his throne dusty

Absence uncovers truth

mouth wide shut

I can't open my mouth
for fear that the truth will come out
of me, an acrid mixture of hope and desperation
surging forth from a discontent soul

Sometimes there's nothing more to be said,
a phrase that fills me with dread -
"it is what it is"
the stopper to opportunity, ambition to bed.

It's hard to keep at it, stick to it, get through it.
It's hard to go for it, reach for it, work for it.
So many choices to be made.
And yet in the end there's just one: to do or not do. That is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them.

d2

The say working for it is the dream. What am I even working for right now? I’m not even really enjoying the journey. How can you, when everyone is unhappy too? 

new

Stop. Breathe.

A new year.

It’s so easy to get sucked into things, swept into the current of what you believe is the reality of your life - work, eat, sleep, repeat the cycle again until one day you actually wake up from that sleep and realize you’re living in a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream of awareness, that fantasy is accompanied by a muddled clarity that spins you into the believing that you were awake all along. 

How can awareness be so obsolete? A life replete with the ability for fullness requires emptiness to begin. 

So empty. Empty yourself. Empty yourself of all expectations and prejudices and desires. Is it good to let go of desire? How do you achieve anything, goals or success? How do you envision the outcome you desire if you rid yourself of it?

_____

Upon further reading, the idea is not to get rid of all desire, but selfish desire. The NEED for something vs a goal I wish to achieve. Seems there is a strong misconception between the two.