beginning and endings

struggling with feelings of frustration today, colored with bits of inadequacy and flashes of anger.

Craving discipline and structure, but I don't know how to get it. I know things are just in my reach, but is it laziness? Lack of motivation? Ebbing willpower?

A stubbornness in forgoing sacrifice?

And while struggling with these feelings of doing nothing, its not as though I am doing anything enjoyable either. I can't relax, being on the internet only heightens my disgusted feelings in myself, nothing on the television is worth watching. I can't even sleep.

Perhaps my feelings of procrastination, ie. my fear of unsurmountable work, is so strong that trying to get in between the hairline crack between the fuel and brake is almost like trying to walk an invisible line.

Going from doing nothing at all to trying to be doing something at all times is so difficult right now.

I'm trying to be my own coach, but I have no idea how to reward myself for doing anything. I need to be more decisive and clear cut but I don't know how to be healthy about making myself do things.

don't know where to start. or even, where anything ends.

why Claire Underwood is my role model

If you've been watching House of Cards, you, possibly like me, have been fawning over the relationship between protagonist (and Veep) Frank Underwood and his wife Claire.

Just read a few articles with the title: Claire Underwood is not  a role model, which delineate her questionable morality and "crimes against women."
But its a fucken TV show, no? I consider her a role model for her upstanding professionalism, ruthlessness and ability to do work! I love her, she's great.

A woman who knows what she wants, gets what she wants.

rainday1

rainy morning, makes me lazy, haha. I'd like nothing more to sit in clouds and listen to the rain and eat donuts or something. and soup.

the spackle of rain that contains the stain of energy gains, infecting the plain that craves its weather vein to bring end to the drought, bring back life, kill the doubts,
but our tainted gift, it causes rifts in natural routes.

A little frustrating, I wake up to such noise. I would like a little silence. Just the wind in the trees, a musical breeze.

unionize me

The best union is a partnership. Communication, trust, honesty, loyalty is key. Sounds like a cliche to me.

But its true. I just talked about it with Jems today, to be honest. And just saw it in House of Cards actually, haha. Its about running with somebody alongside you. No stopping or waiting. Its all, "You go ahead, I'll catch up with you," and "I'm going to go, catch up with me." Wherever we go, its the same destination. You want to be with someone? Learn to be with yourself first. There's no way you can advertise if you don't understand what you're selling. 

I'm not going to lie, there are things I still don't understand. But I'm learning along the way. And having another person's honest eyes is always helpful. Don't distort their vision with yours. You're both looking at the same thing.

first base.

Been writing up a storm today. Just writing rhymes to pass the time haha.

Got to see Jems today. Seeing her is always a good evaluation point. Questions, less about where I want to be, and more on the foundation of where I am. Of where I started from. The natural base root of it all.

I've written so much today, I'm gonna call it a night, actually. House of Cards time. heheh.

new. peuwpeuwpeuw. gotcha.

It's really hot. I'm at work and I'd like to go home right now. Spend the day writing rhymes.
Had two dreams about car crashes last night. The first one was me, and I woke up at 5 in the morning. The other one was about some other girl.
Freaky. I'm naturally anxious about driving at this point.  Or always have been, that's why I got my license so late.

Been having a bit of a sore throat lately. I'd say its from recovering from the weekend, but I know better. Spent Friday night unable to say what I needed to and my body is showing that. If I don't speak my truths, then I might as well not have a voice. Kept energy packed in there and now its hurting. It's alright I learned my lesson.

Could never understand what people wanted me to do when they ask me to focus. Feels like things elude my grasp and squirm off like slippery eels the harder I concentrate on them. There's nothing more to focus on than what is. Realize now they just needed me to be mindful. Or even more careful. But it's not focus, I swear.

Sometimes when you're writing, you don't even know what anything is anymore, or what you're even writing about. Sometimes you write and fill in the meaning later, like a coloring book.

Was telling Jonathan the other day that sometimes when things are all you know, you take it for granted. Talents, appearances, life situations. Realize all people want is new new new. Doesn't matter how it is, doesn't matter what it is. As long as they've never seen it before, they'll have some sort of liking to it.
Course there are those who only stick to what they're used to, but even they need to realize that every fucking day is new, so they need to get the hell over it.

goosebumps;chickenskin

Eunff. Who is the harsh critic in my mind? Can't seem to read my own writing without shaking off the burning fingers of silent dread running through my spine.  I feel like a ghoul sliding his slimy snake of a tongue over his own jagged, crusty teeth and shivering in delight with the gleeful horror of disgust. Analogous to the mind-numbing curd-y feeling of chalk squealing in between your fingernails as you torturously  claw a vile verdant chalkboard. Ugh.

My own writing seems so ...caricature-ish. I'm missing that silver tongued touch that seems to appear only in the light of the moon. Too much sunshine in my words, too much pep, too much shallow happiness.

Time for some revisions.

As above, so below

Been doing a lot of reading recently. On random things... one subject is the Deep Web. Coming about the brain via House of Cards (love that show.)
Made me think about secrets and the jealous guarding of them.

As a being ever striving towards light, I told Jonathan yesterday that secrets were so carefully fortified because it breaks belief systems and destroys people's whole perceptions of the world. But if one is not bound to any societal code, belief, or does not identify with any social community built off the thoughts of man, are these secrets valuable? Are these secrets worth anything? Personally I don't want any part of them or really care. I perhaps value them for their intellectual content, for the pure thrill of knowledge seeking.

I have no attachment to them. When you are part of all that is, you are everything, and therefore, almost above, or unaffected by the dirt of the world - you are the dirt. All of it is just a mirror of human minds.

On another note, they say we were created in God's image. (God is a loose term for just our creator.) And if the Universe is our creator, I do fully believe we were created in the Universe's image. One picture in particular I remember was a juxtaposition between the image of "a river delta, an angiogram of a human kidney, a simple fractal and a decidous tree in winter"
http://files.abovetopsecret.com/files/img/qr5191ff87.jpg

WE ARE THE EARTH.

Also reminds me, I'm trying to go to this gallery showing on Friday.
http://oh-wow.com/current/

Writing is a muscle

So they say writing is a muscle - in that, it must be grown, developed and nurtured, not unlike, say, your triceps, or even your heart, I'd believe. And so, this would be my account of such growth pattern.

That does bring us to an interesting point though - that the heart is a muscle, that may and can be molded to whim. Well let us look at the attributes of a muscle, shall we?

Things you can change or shape within a muscle (the 4 types of exercise):
Stamina/Endurance
Flexibility
Strength
Balance
(and my own add-in)
Speed/Reflexivity

Now lets see how these relate to the softest muscle of them all, the heart.
(And in heart, I mean the Thai relative of "jai", meaning the heartmind, if you know what I mean)

Stamina and Endurance- Necessary for one to brace one's heart, no? In times of darkness or loss of hope, endurance is incredibly necessary. The ability to keep moving forward.

Flexibility- Not everything is going to go according to how you'd hope it to. Stubborn mindsets will create heartache, battered as a stone in a flowing river. The ability to go with the flow.

Strength - Sometimes the heart must decide and act upon things that it would not rather. Pain and suffering will happen, and there is no way to shake it. But guard your heart with strength and do what all have told you that you could not achieve. The ability to overcome.

Balance - To me, this is more of the balance between heart and mind, logic and passion. Looking to weigh pros and cons, look objectively, set priorities. Balance is prevalent in all factions of life. The ability to look and decide with wisdom (away from calculating logic and hasty passions).

Speed and Reflexivity - My own input, perhaps due to my own struggle with indecision, the hearts ability to react quickly (speed) but trained in a certain calm state (reflexivity -dealing with TYPES of reflexes). Making smart decisions on the fly. The ability to dance through the obstacles of life.

jealousy

jealousy is only insecurity.
The tainted blood in pumping purity
a arm's embrace
        a lover's gaze..
a caging grasp
        a broken mask..

Pandora's mouth held more secrets than a box ever could.
Lips locked tight,
Teeth bit down on truth that bites.

You'd think things in sight would overwrite insight, but when in flight, movement incites eyes alight to see clearer into that dark viscous veil of white (lies.)

vader

Mussed head,
Hair tousled,
Sprawled out..

I see your chest flutter with little breaths, twitching pink love in the depths of a whiskered snout,
you fade my doubts.