After reaching a certain level of stability, you don't want to lose it. You're afraid that, since you've taken all the time to climb up all these stairs, that one, two steps down will be a waste of the effort that you so painstakingly put in. Why though? Why is it that we feel this way? Maybe its because we believe there is nowhere else to go but up. To keep moving forward.
I'm at this point where I keep trying to push forward, but I know I'm in denial: this is a dead end. There is nowhere else to go this way. And yet I keep pushing, staying, wishing, hoping - because I'm afraid of being in freefall again. I finally had a taste of The life(of stability).. and while its really not that tasty, I get huge portions.
My fear is that in seeking quality, I won't be able to take in enough nutrients to function. How will I do the things that make me happy?
But if I love what I do, do I need to seek anything else?
Fear. fear. fear.
Fear! I should just take the leap, shouldn't I?
Everything will work out as it should.
But every time I focus my attention, I feel it squirm away into another direction. Why? Is it forced?
My body seems to innately want just grace, ease and lightness.. but what good is that when I want to make things happen?
Maybe it really is: work smarter, not harder.
As in.. there is a huge difference between being busy and productivity. Being busy makes you feel important.. and everybody wants to feel important. But I'm just rushing, rushing, rushing. Being busy doesn't make me feel important at all. It makes me feel like a hapless rag doll being tossed around in the wind.
I feel more like a victim this way.
If I'm in control, there is no busyness. There is only serenity. There is only me.
Time to take the leap.
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