themes: "I can't control what happens to me, but I can control what I do about it"

I can't control the thoughts and actions and questions of other people. Can only control mine.

What is control, really?
From my experiences as a child, and so on, I've seen control as nothing more than fear, the contraction of loss. The only solution I've found is to act directly opposite to the fear. I'm afraid of someone leaving me, so I'll show them how much I love them-sort of thing. It's still a working process. I ain't perfect yet.
At one point, you end up just standing there, watching your fears come into play, and you're so paralyzed and horrified by what's happening around you that, well, you just stand there. Fight or flight, sort of thing. Taking no action is an action.

I've spent my entire life like that. Full of passion, yet so full of fear, my life has been a constantly disharmonious melody pulling back and pushing forth - stillness in the motion, whirling through the quiet... I'ts delayed reaction, is what it is. The times you need to act, you retreat into your cloudy mind, and when you need to slow down, you run rampant.

I also have this fear that I poison people... my "craziness", does it affect other people? Do I see it because I bring it out of them, or because I create it in them, or are we all really like that? My flip-flopping, my indecision - does it permeate into the stability of others?

I can't answer anything. I guess the bright-side could be that.. maybe I have more material to work with?
Life is cold.