Living lost

I am in a dark place. Shadowy underbelly of the world.

Purposeless. That is really where darkness truly comes from. From not knowing why to turn on the light.
I'm doing this stupid exercise in hopes that maybe I'll "learn something about myself."

Really I just need some kind of excuse to write.


Who do you envy and why?

Envy?
The contented. The brilliantly happy. The glowing. The motivated. The knowledgable. The ignorant.
Those who seem alive, and moving forward to something. Those who are calm and poised and serene. Those who are adored and loved and envied. I envy the people who are envied.

I want to be bright and brilliant and adored and sought out and achieve greatness and have a title and live cleaning the muck off me so that my light can shine.

What do you lie about?

Very much. Just about anything that makes me ashamed.. I lie about lying, because it means I have something to hide. I lie about my guilts, my past. Sometimes lie about things I used to brag about because they're not relevant anymore. I hide the parts that don't seem to fit in anymore. If people think I'm fine, I'll lie about the struggles. If people think I'm struggling, it's hard not to lie about that fact that I'm doing well. It's difficult not to assume the shape people see me in. I don't feel in control of my life anymore. I feel like a chameleon gone mad.

What do you do for fun?

Read. Draw. Make music.

but these are knee-jerk answers, almost. Like they're the things I want people to think I enjoy. I have a fun time drinking wine with people and talking and eating food. I have fun learning things about the world. about people's lives. I have fun running, feeling like I could almost fly. I have fun doing strenuous work, sometimes. I have fun sitting by a lake and watching the water pass by. I like tending to plants, projects, watching things grow. I have fun watching my dog be brilliantly fast. I have fun living in a different world, whether I get there through a book, alcohol, drugs or talking. I have fun expressing myself. I have fun succeeding.

Are you an abstainer or a moderator?

Oh-ho, definitely an abstainer. But everything in life that I've "abstained" from, I binged on. Alcohol, drugs, men, laziness, busyness, emotions. I try to moderate now, and I think it works. But the abstaining part of myself is strict with its whip.

What's the nature of your relationship to the expectations of yourself and others?

I like the exceed expectations. I like to surprise people. So when many people hold me to a higher standard (often one I've created) than I feel like I can deliver on, I bottom out and deliver nothing. However, being an underdog makes my skin itch. Makes me want to prove myself against their expectations.
Of course, this is the same, whether of me of others, but I think I'm particularly harsh on myself. I have too many expectations of myself, I think. And I think that my weak self-confidence is not of its own making, but is just a product of my natural, incredibly blown up sense of confidence. I think I'm incredibly smart, but the concrete evidence I have to prove myself on is weak. And because I can't meet my own expectations, I think that maybe I'm not smart at all, I'm a dumbass.
While you might think this may be good, it's the shattering of the world for me. It's the cracking of my perception of the world, and it drives me insane. Nothing I thought is how it is. And I'm not very willing to let go of my perception of my self. I've spent my entire life somehow thinking that I'm attractive and clever and capable, but it becomes a weak argument with no evidence.
I spend so much time looking for reason within the world because I can find none within my family or myself. But somehow I know I won't find any answers there. So what do I do?
I don't want to be average.